i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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