i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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