I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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