good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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