you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
