Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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