i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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