Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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