Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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