my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
