but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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