well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
