I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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