where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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