This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
