I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
