it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
