Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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