I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
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He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
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When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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