i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
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you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
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My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.