Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed