Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
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He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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