Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
