Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
