By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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