I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
