I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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