i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
