Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
