Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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