I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
