He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
