Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
