Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm like, not good at living.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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