I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
