So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
