upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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