You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
