Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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