i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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