I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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