And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
