The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
