she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
