You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
4 words: hood of his car
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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