I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
