just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
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