Sry I called you an 8
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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