Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
