just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
