do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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