this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
