so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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