I met the friendliest cop last night
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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