I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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