I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
