I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
