tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
