sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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