He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
