Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
