Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
