After last night, I could never be a politician.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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