I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
