someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
